Barry Diamond - Actor/Singer/Stand-up Comedian

Diary

Wednesday March 12, 2003
I had a dream last night that Osama Bin Laden snuck into the USA across the Canadian border and after shaving his beard and head became the new 6’6” starting forward for the Portland Trailblazers under his new name, “Bobby Jewell”. Nobody knew it but me. Everybody else thought he came out of the University of Kansas as a walk on phenomenon. The dream ends with Osama (Bobby Jewell) coming to play the Lakers at the Staples Center in L.A. and flying the team plane into the Laff Factory in Hollywood. Fortunately Carrot Top is onstage.
I am writing this thinking that I will look back on what I am writing now some time in the future and think about the thousands of innocent people and American Soldiers that weren’t yet killed in the War on Iraq scheduled for next week maybe. I am against attacking Iraq and hope that ultimately we are just putting Saddams back to the wall and the fear of Allah in his heart and mind so he will cooperate or abdicate.
I am simply not convinced of the connection between Osama and Saddam or what Iraq has to do with 9-11 and why politicians and others keep making that connection. I have heard that Osama does not respect Saddam as a true Muslim and it’s not likely they have any communication. Since the breakup of the Soviet Union a lot of nuclear weapons grade material has been missing and more than likely is somewhere in Eastern Europe and not in Iraq or the Middle East. It could be anywhere in the world and so are the terrorists, from Bali to Zimbabwe so why are we focusing on Iraq?? Because it’s a place to start?? Then we go into Iran, Korea, Libya and what about Saudi Arabia where 17 of the 19 terrorists who actually attacked America are from.
Then, I definitely believe we should attack France and Canada. The Canadians have always resented us and felt inferior to Americans and obligated to do whatever the hell we tell them to do regarding trade agreements and environmental standards. We also decide and control which of their celebrities will become Internationally famous in show business. There is a militant and seriously armed underclass of Canadian (probably with weapons of Mass destruction capabilities) that would be more than happy to come South and kill everyone in the lower 48 and turn the Midwest into the worlds largest hockey rink instead of the flat, boring, shopping mall and fast food filled wasteland it is today. Anyway, the Canadians hate us and would kill everyone here in the USA if they could. They certainly didn’t appreciate my show at Yuk-Yuks in Toronto in 1981. As for France, They are traditionally attacked every 50 years and are way overdue.
World War II was The Last Great War. Much like Sammy Davis Jr. there will never be another one like it. That was a war nobody in the USA had a problem getting behind. American boys raced to the induction center to join up like never before and never since. But this war in Iraq I’m afraid is an effort in cowboy frustration. We are determined to find someone or someplace to put a face on our enemy for us to attack them and Iraq is a convenient and easy target to direct that rage even though the rest of the world is against it and we can’t really prove what the big threat is when Iran and N. Korea are developing and test firing real nuclear weapons of mass destruction.. Americans are at least equally divided on the subject but also very concerned with what shape Michael Jackson’s nose is today or which child he has slept with or dangled out a four story building and if ultimately he will kill himself.
I am watching Fox news and they are talking about us bringing over the MOAB to drop on Iraq. The MOAB (Mother of All Bombs) is the biggest and most explosive non nuclear conventional bomb ever unleashed about 45,000 lbs and can obliterate an area the diameter of 4 football fields and leave a mushroom cloud. How Cool is that?? A smaller 3 lb. Prototype was originally tested in 1998. The Little Mother of All Bombs (LMOAB) as it was then called was dropped on a Kitten named “Scooter” in the Nevada Nuclear Testing Range 200 KM outside of Las Vegas and was instantly disintegrated. All that was left were two hind cat paw prints which scientists say was the last of Scooter to leave the earth.
I would like to acknowledge my nephew Petey Tucci (Aquaboy) who is serving in the Navy and was just sent to the Persian Gulf where he is a corpsman on the hospital ship Comfort and assigned to the Casualty Receiving Area. My other nephew Jimmy Tucci (Spartacus) is serving in the Marine Corps at Camp Fuji, Japan. I hope we all pray for no hostilities but if it comes to that we must support wholeheartedly and pray for our brave American soldiers and that there job will be done quickly and with the least amount of damage to life and resources.

January 10, 2003
Well, Someone has been neglecting their internet diary the last three months. In the past few months I have passed through Little Rock, Omaha, Columbia SC, Ft Worth, Wichita KS and La Jolla CA. The La Jolla Comedy Store on Pearl Street is my favorite club in the country. The audiences there are always ready for a good time. People genuinely seem to feel good about their lives and enjoy and appreciate the always great weather and physical beauty surrounding them to say nothing of the chicks. San Diego has some of the most beautiful girls in the U.S. They are all dumber than a bag of hammers but lets face it, the guys are even stupider. No one lives in Southern California for the intellectual and cultural stimulation anyway.
I moved to the Beach in Venice a year and a half ago and it was the best move I’ve ever made. I can see the ocean out the window a few hundred yards away from my house and I can faintly listen to the waves at night over the coughing and snoring of the homeless people that sleep right under my balcony. When I was a kid we had some junkies sleeping right outside our door under the stairs of our apartment building on Stratford Avenue in the Bronx. Some things never change.
Also, I have had two major personal events happen for me. A couple of days before Thanksgiving when I got back from someplace my girlfriend Constance decided to break up with me so she could be available to find her true Mr. Right and “lifetime partner in crime” that will marry her and give her a total of three children. She made the decision to break up with me after rejecting my compromise offer of having six children. Constance is one of the most wonderful and genuinely good people I have ever known. I love her dearly and I always will I am going to miss being in a relationship with her but we will continue to be friends. Y’know what was really shitty though, she wouldn’t let me have any break up goodbye sex. I thought that was kind of insensitive because that was always what we did best together. I sure will miss that.
The other bad thing that happened was that a couple of days after Constance broke up with me, someone stole my bicycle. I got another one right away because you cant live on the beach and not have a bike…or a girlfriend. So now I have a new bike to ride but not a new girlfriend…to ride.
New Years Eve I brought in the New Year at midnight at the Comedy Store on Sunset in Hollywood and then went to a great party in the Hollywood Hills til 5AM got home about 6 and gave Smokey a happy new year kiss on the belly and a can of friskies. My niece Gina and her husband Mike had a new baby boy named Michael a week ago so I am a grand uncle or Imperial Wizard or something. Anyway, I would like to wish all of my friends and fans and very happy and healthy new year to all of you and your friends and families and if they have any pets or livestock I wish them a good year too….

October 21, 2002
One of the most wonderful and blessed gifts that show business has given me is the opportunity to sometimes do charitable events and public service appearances. Some of the other benefits were staying up late, getting drunk and sleeping with cocktail waitresses who want to be actresses. Over the years I have never said no to any legitimate charity that asked for my time so long as the terms of my rider were met which include first class round trip transportation and a $500 per day per diem.
This past weekend October 18-20 I was part of a group of very kind and wonderful mostly show business people that took a group of 45 kids from the Hathaway home for troubled children (ages 6-17) on a sailboat and camping trip to Catalina island. This was the second annual event (and apparently the better of the two) organized by Geoff Hemwall a very talented and gifted post production supervisor and sail boat affficionado/camping enthusiast. Along with Kids for a Cause, (Hollywood TV and movie kids) their parents, and the counselors and administrators of the Hathaway home we loaded 45 thrice daily medicated kids onto sailboats and formed an 8 boat flotilla over the 35 mile 5 hour sail to Catalina where we moored our boats and camped at the Cherry Hill Boy Scout camp run by the camp director, “Buddy”.
Buddy is the nicest man you will ever want to meet that is not a homosexual. He is a 30 year old Boy Scout…Well, I guess he’s a man scout now… anyway, he made our trip safe and wholesome and fun without any running, rock throwing or bad language. The kids and adults had swimming, snorkeling, kayaking, canoeing, archery, BB Gun range, hiking, and sometimes in an overly medicated situation, just staring. The campsite itself looked like Jonestown with Boy Scout tents. There was kool aid in the chow hall where we ate but no one drank it after I made a public announcement to stay away from it. “This wont be another Jonestown”, I yelled. Then Buddy came over and told me I was scaring the more schizophrenic children and to “put a lid on it” which in Boy Scout talk means, shut up before I kick your ass. I took this as a threat to my manhood (especially in front of the kids) and made a mental note to tell one of the older, bigger and more psychotic kids (who happened to have liked me very much) that Buddy was threatening me and…making fun of him.
Now, the reason I was asked to come along was, in addition to my financial contribution, to host one of many workshops they were having for the kids and mine was to be on stand up comedy. We all introduced ourselves to the kids at lunchtime and told them we would be outside the chow hall in front of the flagpole and they should find the workshop they want to be in. Well, kids went to the dancing and singing and martial arts workshops and the painting and drawing and arts and crafts workshops. A couple of kids went to the jigsaw puzzle and checkers workshop others went to lie down in their tent but no one wanted to do a stand up comedy workshop. I waited there from 1 to 3 PM and not one kid came over. My job was to work with the kids who I guess they thought were funny that might want to do a comedy routine at the big Saturday night campfire show that the kids and kids only were to put on as part of the “let us entertain you” kids campfire show. So when I reported back that none of the kids want to do stand up comedy it was suggested that “I” would do something at the campfire which I thought was a worse idea than our plan to attack and invade Iraq. I told them that the show is for the kids to put on for the adults and inappropriate for me to perform. I told them I would do a show for the kids if they took away their meds and got them drunk instead. While they were thinking about this I ran off in the woods and hid until the show was over and met everyone for cake and hot chocolate in the chow hall.
On a serious note however, these kids have heartbreaking histories and are lucky to be in the care of Hathaway which has an excellent reputation for taking care of kids that have been put in the care of the state of california because for whatever reason their parents are no longer willing or able to care of them to put it mildly. The younger ones really tear your heart out because their innocence has so recently been shattered. They vary from being shy and withdrawn and frightened to hyperactive and aggressive and frightened. Their fear is palatable because the ones they were to naturally trust and love them the most, their flesh and blood families, have betrayed them and inflicted unimaginable pain and suffering to their innocent lives.
Anyway, I was happy to be a part of the effort to show these kids a little love. The kids had many new experiences and seemed to have genuinely had a wonderful weekend. I wished I could have taken some of those kids with me when I left until I realized I only have a small one bedroom apartment and a cat.
I tried to be a Big Brother in the L.A. Big Brother program where you actually mentor a kid who has no father figure or actual father, but they didn’t think I would be available enough to spend time with a kid because of my traveling out of town mostly on weekends. So I have decided instead to be part of a program where kids come visit me and they bring me hot meals and a newspaper. I am also placing a personal ad looking to adopt a 23 year old lingerie model with a 7 figure inheritance. Other than that I’m headlinig at the Loonie Bin in Little Rock Arkansas Wednesday thru Saturday.

September 25, 2002
I got back from my weeks trip to Okinawa and Japan a couple of days ago. I went to entertain the Marines stationed there and express my appreciation and personal thanks for the job they do and the sacrifices they make to protect us here in the states. In the Spring of 2000 I headlined a comedy USO tour of Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Kuwait, and Oman for 16 days. Our audiences were mostly Air Force and Army and every show was received appreciatively, respectfully and enthusiastically. I met some truly outstanding men and women who are in a very hostile and oppressive environment for the purpose of protecting and defending the United States and its interests. Prior to my trip to Japan last week this was the only experience I had doing a military entertainment tour and although it was very successful and personally satisfying it did not prepare me for what happened when I landed on the Marines at Okinawa.
I have heard from all across the military including the Marines that they are at the bottom end of the feeding chain as far as quality of recruit. By this, I mean that in the infantry and artillery of the Marine Corps you are more likely to find teenagers 17, 18, 19 who have a history of behavioral and discipline problems, and who have chosen to take that psychosis and channel it acceptably and proudly in the brainwashing arms of the United States Marine Corps where they are taught to enjoy, for lack of a better word…killing. Now killing in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing especially if someone is trying to kill you. However, it is generally not a pleasant thing but in the infantry in the Marine Corps you are taught you can actually enjoy killing… and even sing songs about it..They are a very special commodity in time of war and we should thank God we have them on our side when we need them.
I mention all of this as a backdrop for the shows I did there. My first show at Camp Courtney enlisted club was great (until a Marine assaulted his wife and was taken away in handcuffs by MPs) and my last one at Yakoda AFB on Japan in front of a small audience also was great. The three in the middle at Camp Futenma, Camp Kinser, and Camp Hansen on Okinawa were pretty nuts.. In all fairness to myself, the show was thoughtlessly put together and ill conceived by the promoter, Kenny Hill at Pacific Int’l Entertainment. My opening act was Hurricane Andrew, a very funny and talented black comedian from Atlanta who did a high energy sexually graphic Def Comedy Jam style show that was liberally peppered with profanities and totally inappropriate to open for me. It was especially challenging for me in front of a mostly black audience. It was impossible to follow because I couldn’t be more profane than he was and the blacks will not give it up for a white act after they have seen the Hurricane and EVERYBODY was totally drunk and out of control and mostly under 21. There were moments when I thought I was entertaining the Iraqi Marines.
I felt bad that the blacks in the audience didn’t see me as a fellow American and instead saw me as a white guy who they weren't going to give it up for because I was white. I felt bad for those who apologized to me after the show for the drunken behavior of their fellow Marines and for those who were embarrassed by the way I was treated and the disrespect and hostility I encountered for my efforts to show my gratitude and thanks. I thought it was kind of disgraceful to the Marines to disrespect someone who came to honor and support them.
And then I thought…these are Marines. They WANT me to fuck with them. They’re all shit faced drunk and they want to provoke me to fuck back with them and give them some shit about being in the Marine Corps which I really couldn’t do because I have no frame of reference. My military experience was that my lottery number was not called at the end of the Vietnam War. Then I’m thinking….this is uncharted territory for me. The last time I lost control of a show was in the middle of an Allman Brothers concert in Troy, Alabama in front of 3000 pretty stoned college kids in 1971. Do I really want to take a chance and antagonize 300-400 teenaged shit faced drunk United States Marines on Okinawa or do I want to just cut my losses and surrender with enough grace and dignity to get me out of the building and off of the base.
All of this is going to seem ridiculously trivial in a few weeks when we attack Iraq and the Marines will be the first ones in on the ground and certainly there will be casualties. I absolutely do not hold my experience against any of them personally. I feel if they are old enough to fight and die, they should be old enough to drink. I understand they are still in their teens and I forgive their irresponsibilities and immaturities because they are not yet truly men. They are at an age where they have reached a crossroads in defining themselves as men. Certainly combat will be one of those defining moments but I think there is something more important that seperates men from boys and men from animals and I believe that thing is “respect”. How we show our respect for ourselves, each other, our planet and all of the living things on it will define us as men and as mankind. I hope people keep that in mind when they decide to drink too much and hit their wives and are disrespectful and abusive to those who travel across the world to pay tribute to them. It’s not a good look for the Marines or anyone else.
September 12, 2002
Yesterday was the first anniversary of 9-11 in case anyone didn’t notice. The winning three numbers in the New York State Lottery yesterday were 911 and that is not a joke, it really was.
At 9AM on the morning of September 11, 2001 I was sleeping at my brothers house in Roslyn, Long Island, New York when he woke me up to tell me a plane hit the World Trade Center. I remember my first sleepy thought was that a plane once hit the Empire State Building in New York (1930’s) and I had this image of both buildings simultaneously getting hit by a plane. I wasn’t too alarmed because the first reports were that it was a small private plane and I certainly didn’t think it was going to interfere with our plans to go into Manhattan in the early afternoon of a gloriously beautiful day, or our plans for dinner and orchestra seats to “The Producers” that my brother bought months ago. Well, I was wrong and the unspeakable tragedy that followed and affected the world as we knew it is the second time in my life I have ever felt unsafe in America. The other was the Cuban missile crisis (1961) when there was a week with better than a 50-50 possibility that the world and all life on earth was going to end at literally any moment in nuclear war. I remember sitting in the living room of our apartment in the Bronx watching television being very frightened waiting and wondering what its going to feel like to be disintegrated.
The first time I ever went to the WTC was in 1976 I think. They were filming the movie “King Kong” with Jessica Lange and the “King” was laid out on the ground between the towers on the promenade. It was about 3AM and we were finishing up at the original Improv on 44th and 9th in Hells Kitchen, just hangin out and Jay Leno said “Hey they got the gorilla laid out in front of the trade center… lets go downtown and see the gorilla”. He said it with all of the enthusiasm of a child who really thought King Kong was a real gorilla that was shooting a film downtown. So, about eight of us piled into cabs and headed downtown. Jay Leno, Larry David, Elayne Boosler, Me, all going downtown to the Twin Towers to see King Kong. It was a night I never forgot. We had a great time in the middle of the night on the promenade of the tallest and most majestically beautiful buildings ever built anywhere on earth . Also, laid out on the floor in front of us, the worlds most famous gorilla. Afterwards we went to Chinatown.
It’s hard to believe the towers are gone to say nothing of the innocent lives extinguished along with it and that we are at war. I’m concerned about how you know if or when the war is over. If we were attacked by another country that supported and sanctioned this attack that country would presently be the worlds largest parking lot. We were in fact attacked by a relatively small group of fanatical nutcases whose thoughtless and selfish acts of cowardice destroyed the lives of thousands of innocents. These maniacs are found in small cels all over the world, even in the USA like the unibomber and the Oklahoma City bombers. There are always going to be groups of nuts who believe the truth and righteousness of their convictions justifies the killing of innocent people and if you put a small number of the right nutcases together in this high tech bio nuclear world they can make 9-11 look like a good day.
Certainly we cant win this war without the help of our brave soldiers we are sending far from home to hostile environments to try and find the terrorists and persuade them to stop their craziness by killing them. It is my pleasure and privilege to be going to Okinawa and Japan in a few days to entertain U.S Marines and Air Forces as part of an Armed Forces Entertainment (AFE) tour. My nephew Lance Cpl. James Tucci USMC is stationed at Camp Fuji and coming over to Yakoda air base with some of his Marine buddies to see me on Sunday night the 22nd of September. I told him that with layovers I am traveling 24 straight hours from Los Angeles to Okinawa so he and his buddies promised to kill a lot of terrorists to make it worth my while. I hope they all feel that way after they see my show. He also promised to get me night vision goggles a rifle and some ammo to take back to Los Angeles.
I was talking to my best friend Michael down the block on beautiful Venice beach and he said that I should “be thankful that I have a way to express my thankfulness, its hard for the rest of us”. He’s right, and I am thankful. Semper Fi.

Sunday, August 18, 2002 - 1:30PM PST
Well, It’s been a busy couple of weeks. Charlie Hill is recovering very nicely from his triple bypass. It hasn’t been two weeks since his surgery and he is already 17 miles into the marathon portion of the Iron Man Triathlon on the Big Island of Hawaii. Apparently everyone should have this procedure. As for me, let me back up to August 8 when I went up to Seattle to work for Terry Taylor at Giggles
Terry Taylor is “the” worst prick I ever had the misfortune to work for and I have worked for some of the very worst and most evil people God ever put in the comedy world. My top three were always Gary Bynum at Laffs in Albuquerque and Tucson, Bob Kepart at the Tropicana in Vegas and Atlantic City and Winston O’rourke at the MGM in Vegas. Now, this miserable prick comes into my life and I have to move him into the top spot and place Gary Bynum in second place. I already have Adolph Hitler in the number four position.
Anyway, I did five outstanding one hour plus shows for him and not only did he never have a kind word to say to me, he never offered me a glass of water or a coke and at the end of the week he screwed me out of $280. He has a terrible reputation in the Seattle area and it’s too bad anybody works for him at all. He has turned Giggles into a haphazardous shithole. It’s a very cold place where Terry takes the money at the door, seats the people, makes drinks, serves drinks, answers the phone runs the sound and lights and MCs the show. All this without the benefit of a personality, sense of humor or any social graces whatsoever. This saves him a fortune but the club is run like shit.
The rest of the weekend was wonderful. Bob Davis took me out on his boat with his girlfriend Kathy and showed me a great time around Seattle. Went swimming in front of Bill Gates house on Lake Washington. I ran into Bill in the Lake and I pulled his shorts up his ass and swam away. Then I was shot at from a Blackhawk helicopter. Don’t mess with Bill.
I had to go to the Pacific Heart Institute in Santa Monica for a treadmill stress test on Tuesday as part of my annual physical and apparently the Doctor saw something that he felt warranted a more definitive test and ordered a Thalium stress test for Thursday. This is the same treadmill test except they inject a radioactive dye into an IV your hooked up to while your running on the treadmill so they can take pictures of your heart afterward. I did the whole test except when the technician injected the dye apparently the IV wasn’t in properly and it didn’t get in the vein properly and I died.
No I didn’t, I’m kidding. But everyone was very embarrased and I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. Later the nurse called and scheduled a echo cardiogram for me on August 26 where no IV is required and they said they will do it for free. Apparently the second stress test was perfect and don’t think its necessary to repeat the Thalium test again.
This past weekend I did the Casablanca hotel in Mesquite Nevada. Always a great crowd of “jack” Mormons there from Utah who want to drink, gamble, and watch pornography in the Nevada desert where they are away from the eyes of their God who lives in Utah and can’t see that far.

Monday, August 5, 2002 - 7:45AM PST
About 15 minutes ago they wheeled my old comedy pal Charlie Hill into the operating room for a quadruple by pass procedure. Let’s all say a little prayer for him and his family that he gets through this and back to the Seminole Indian reservation the US government has set aside for him and his people in the fashionable Everglades of South Florida where Charlie wrestles alligators for the snow birds six times a day, 7 days a week.
I first met Charlie at the Comedy Store in Hollywood back in the day, 1978. Before that, I had seen him on television where he enjoyed the novelty and celebrity of being Americas first and only “Native American” stand up comedian. Much like Yaakov Smirnoff was Americas first Russian stand up comedian. I always respected Yaakov. I couldn’t watch his act but I respected that he had come to America from Russia during the cold war and made a shit load of money telling Americans what a shitty place Russia is and that Americans embraced him and thought he was funny. “America is great..Russia is shit.. Where’s my check??…What a country” Then he did a little Russian dance.
Charlie, on the other hand, I have always liked Charlie because he didn’t jump through the hoops for Whitey and he didn’t sell out the people and the place he came from. He didn’t do an Indian dance to amuse the folks. He used his mind and wrote clever jokes that poked fun at the white man and made him shameful of his treatment of the indigenous Americans, and he did it in a funny and thought provoking way. When that didn’t work, Charlie started wrestling alligators in Florida.
Anyway, when I first met Charlie at the Comedy Store I told him I had seen him on television and I liked his stuff and that we both had a lot in common. Charlie said, “are you an indian”? and I said, “No, we both smoke pot”. I ran into Charlie in 1986 in Sarasota where Charlie was enrolled at the Ringling Brothers clown college pursuing a degree in gay rodeo clowning. Apparently, over the years he had been bitten by alligators over 60% of his body and was looking for less dangerous work.
The point is, is that Charlie is a good and decent man with a big heart (which by the way is lying open on an operating table in Culver City as I write this) and a joyful soul. I went to visit Charlie yesterday and I assured him he was in the good hands of the white mans medicine and that even though he has no health insurance he has been assigned a surgeon from the Public Surgeons Office who has performed this quadruple bypass procedure hundreds of times. Unfortunately, on the same patient. I wanted to send Charlie a big shout out and lots of love and get well soon wishes from me and all the brothers and sisters out there in the Rollin 60s Crips who love him and want to see him back fightin alligators in Florida six times a day seven days a week.

July 26, 2002 - 3:00 PM
Well, I just got back from playing tennis. We played for three days and 6 hours. It was the longest I ever played but I beat her consistently. She never won a set. Not one set in three days and 6 hours. Sonia is the partner I usually play with on Ocean Avenue in Santa Monica just behind the Pacific Ocean. It’s a beautiful spot to play tennis or anything else and I look forward to playing with her even though she is in her late seventies and has just returned from hip replacement surgery. But she is one of the best tennis players the Phillipines has ever produced and I enjoy beating the hell out of her on the tennis court.
Actually, Sonia and I didn’t get to play on Tuesday because she didn’t show up at the court and later said I was supposed to call her to confirm which I didn’t because I made it clear as a bell the last time we played that we would play on Tuesday at 8AM. Anyway, we played on Wednesday and I beat her two sets and then we played this morning where I beat her two sets again bringing home the point that younger American men are better tennis players than elderly Fillipina women with artificial hips. I really enjoy playing with Sonia and not just because I always win. She always supplies new balls and once took me to breakfast at the Omellete parlor on Main Street. I will never forget that. I think she had a waffle.
This whole Diary thing is very new to me and my three chimps but soon I will open up and be more revealing about my life and the people who pass through it and the ones who get stuck in the middle. Please keep coming back and feel free to buy some products before you leave as I use that money for charitable purposes as well as our National Defense.

July 22, 2002 - 6:41 AM
Welcome to my newly designed and cosmetically enhanced web site. Simply put, I got a “web job”. Not that there was anything wrong with my old web site except that it reeked from the stench and reminder of the liar and thief (Michael Parisi) who put that web site on line and all of his incompetent and unreliable behavior to say nothing of the money he owes me and other people here in L.A. which sent him packing to Colorado to work as a short order cook in his brothers luncheonette. But, I digress.
What I really am trying to do here is first of all welcome everyone to my web site and thank you for stopping by. Please don’t leave without first purchasing one or more of my products on the merchandise page. At the moment you have the option to buy my CD or Video. Coming soon I am offering for sale the availability of firecrackers, bow ties, and a small selection of boys husky size clothing. In the meantime the CD or Video are hugely entertaining and come with my personal guarantee offer.
“If you are unhappy with the quality, safety or entertainment value of any of my products (excluding fireworks) I will return your money in full AND I will cook breakfast for you in your home for a period of 90 days unless a national emergency recalls me to my National Guard Unit.” Barry Diamond
Well, It’s after 7AM and I’m playing tennis with Sonia on the beach in Santa Monica at 8 so I gots to get ready soon. Anyway, I'm gonna try and keep this page updated as best I can with my new web host Dawn McCombie who was recently released from Chino womens prison here in California and now lives with her husband (former NBA star) in Altoona PA where she has a web site building crochet business. She is one of only four women in the world who can knit a web site for you and bring it on line. The other three are still finishing their sentences in California. Please visit Dawn's web sites and the ones that she created and perhaps she can create a presence for you on the internet. Her rates were surprisingly affordable. In return for redesigning my web site I have given her some cigarettes, an ink pen, (felt tip) and a box of tampons. I would not hesitate to recommend her and…. I would not turn my back on her….. Got to go play tennis now…..Later, Bazza